Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
