hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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