Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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