I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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