Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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