there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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