So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
