Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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