o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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