cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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