i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
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