Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
