Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
