I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
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She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
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I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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