So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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