Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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