I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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