Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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