well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
