there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
