just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
How does it feel to date your dad?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
