she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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