my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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