I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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