When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm just crazy horny about you
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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