i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
