Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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