Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
