I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
