if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
