i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
