Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
