If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
