Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
try to milk me bitch
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