And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
