Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
it glows. i had to have it.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
