Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
