Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
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I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
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No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?