I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
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the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
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I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.