I could make wine with my vomit
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM