then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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