so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
