Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
