she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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