WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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