I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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