My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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