God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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