I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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