Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You took a bar mat shot.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
