He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Pooping to opera.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
