The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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