why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
