piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
