we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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