i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
