Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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